A place and a song
The other night, while washing a few dishes, a song I hold dear to my heart played and I started to bawl. The song reminded me of a hard and lonely time and I had to put my head down on my arms leaning on the sink with the faucet running and soap dripping off my hands in the wee hours of the morning. I’ve come to realize I’m the “put it on repeat” song enthusiast and that it is likely due to me associating places and experiences to songs. As I continue to play with Shanna Wanna Go, I want to find new ways to express what is hard to say and maybe music will help. This blog post I’ll share some of the songs, feelings and places I have on my mind. As I experience these places alone …. most of these pictures will feature strangers….
12.31.2020 - throwback to a park of boulders
What a year…..
Listening to a radio show hosted by Day6’s Young-K (which I do religiously, every day), Young-D asked listeners to start the new year with one my favorite songs - the Best Part. There’s a lyric in there that helped start revisiting 2020 in a more hopeful mindset - “Today’s me is living today so that tomorrow’s me will be happy. So that on the last day of my life I am filled with smiles.” Geez, Young-K is the lyricist of my life. But really, there is so much we can’t control. 2020 taught everyone that. We don’t know how long we have or how long we have our loved ones. All I’m able to control is being grateful and happy with the small things that don’t seem so small anymore. Rather than regret today or what has happened in the past, I want to think back and see I was happy. I want even the hard days to be my “best part”! Everyone let’s work hard to keep our smiles even in these hard times!
Out of all the pictures on my phone from 2020 - I think my smile was brightest this day! It was just a simple day with good friends climbing rocks but I remember being so happy.
Like the day and night/다르게 돌아가/중간은 항상/잠깐이잖아/치우치거나/한쪽에서만/서로 원해왔잖아/Sad sad sad sad/뭐 어쩌겠어/Always bad bad bad bad/Timing all the time/누가 뜨거울 때면/다른 누군 차가워/진짜 미치겠어/어디선가 장난치고 있는 걸까/이젠 제발 멈춰줄 순 없는 걸까/점점 점점 더 다가가려고 하면/넌 어느 사이에 사라져 내 시야에 Oh/우린 또 그렇게 엇갈려버린 채/I go up/And you go down/맨날 똑같애/사실 또 나에게 조금씩 다가오려고 하면/간발의 차이에 식어 난 그 사이에/우린 또 그렇게 엇갈려버린 채/You go up/And I go down/맨날 똑같애/해와 달처럼/커지면 작아져/올리면 내려가/우리의 사랑은/도대체 왜 이래/When you feel like you will love me/내게 말해줄 순 없니/같이 사랑하는 날이/올 수 있게 말이야/무언가가 장난치고 있는 걸까/이젠 제발 멈춰줄 순 없는 걸까/점점 점점 더 다가가려고 하면/넌 어느 사이에 사라져 내 시야에 Oh/우린 또 그렇게 엇갈려버린 채/I go up/And you go down/맨날 똑같애/(해와 달처럼)/I don’t wanna give it up/Don’t give it up/Won’t give it up/너도 그러길 빌어/그렇길 빌어/그런 맘으로/좀만 더 다가와 봐/나도 한 발/내딛을 테니/그러다 언젠가는/만나게 되지 않을까/점점 점점 더 다가가려고 하면/넌 어느 사이에 사라져 내 시야에 Oh/우린 또 그렇게 엇갈려버린 채/I go up/And you go down/맨날 똑같애/사실 또 나에게 조금씩 다가오려고 하면/간발의 차이에 식어 난 그 사이에/우린 또 그렇게 엇갈려버린 채/You go up/And I go down/맨날 똑같애/해와 달처럼
Like the day and night/We run differently/The middle of the extremes/Is always brief/The balance of our love/Has leaned to one side/Where only one wanted the other/Sad sad sad sad/What can we do?/Always bad bad bad bad/Timing all the time/If one person is hot/The other is cold/What should we do?/Is someone playing pranks?/Can’t you please stop now?/As I get closer and closer/You somehow disappear from my sight/We cross each other again like this/I go up/And you go down/It’s the same every day/You try to come closer to me, but by a small margin/I become indifferent in that short time/We cross each other again like this/You go up/And I go down/It’s the same every day/Like the sun and moon/When one’s heart grows, the other shrinks/When one goes up, the other comes down/Our loveWhy in the world is it like this?/When you feel like you will love me/Can’t you tell me?/So that the day we love together/Will finally come/Is someone playing pranks?/Can’t you please stop now?/As I get closer and closer/You somehow disappear from my sight/We cross each other again like this/I go up/And you go down/It’s the same every day/(Like the sun and moon)/I don’t wanna give it up/Don’t give it up/Won’t give it up/I hope you are like this too/I really hope/With this in mind/Please come closer/If I take one step/Closer to you/If we try like this/Can’t we meet each other, maybe?/As I get closer and closer/You somehow disappear from my sight/We cross each other again like this/I go up/And you go down/It’s the same every day/You try to come closer to me, but by a small margin/I become indifferent in that short time/We cross each other again like this/You go up/And I go down/It’s the same every day/Like the sun and moon.
The water reminds me that all will be okay, even when it ebbs and flows.
I head to the lake when I feel “out of step”, on those days my head and heart don’t feel like synching up, almost at war with one another. Those days where all the insecurities and fears surface up and throws the game plan to the bin. The kind of days where the pit in my stomach forms and I can’t do anything at all.
It’s a long way to walk to the Lake from my apartment - a good 1 hour walk. The walk is long enough where my mind stops thinking and my heart stops aching. All that’s left by the time I get to the lake is much needed calm. It’s a place where things can just be what they are. It reminds me that even things out of control - it’s life and just like there are days and nights, there will be ups and downs! After that tiring walk … it is much easier to accept that.